sambar magic(the tale of thondiraja)-part-8!(spoof)

Read part 7 here.

 

The king heard the sage speak out.It was the best speech he had ever heard,not even the home minister was capable of such,not even Obama was capable of such,not even ,not even,the Martian who tried to take over Earth was capable of such,not even ,not even,there was no comparison left, “ha! such wisdom” the king thought to himself.

To others around him,the king seemed lulled like he was watching a 4 hr Hindi movie, like the snake who was charmed in the street corners on some country, like poor people at the hands of corrupt politicians or kids on orkut getting hacked. And all the while ,the king was dreaming of a coup, that someone was talking over his kingdom. 

It struck the poor king,he burst out, ” What do you call a brahmin boy who can write with both his hands? ” 

The sage looked pleased,”ha so the spirits have woken up ,have they” , he said in a deep baritone,as if the moon had flown away. ” I know the answer,to your wit, ‘ ambi-dexterous’ (ambi – boy/man) ..ha ha ha,such wit,welcome to the land of thondi,whom am I speaking to? ” 

” This is the great spirit of thondi raja’s great to the power of 100 grand father,How are you oh! sage,you look as young as you were,when you made Alexander go back! My ,I remember,you were wearing those Chinese silk stuff,when did you change fashion?” 

“OH! I change my fashion,as it comes. My fellows rule the world of fashion you know.You want to go to Milan ,watch a fashion show and play football with Beckham,I have some passes for you.” 

“Ha! no,my time here is short.I am using a Prepaid connection and my we have recession in heaven as well,so before they lock me out,I need to get back. We are asking for a bailout,but since elections are approaching and the parties are busy wasting money on campaign posters and false promises…anyway,This is what I have to say,anyway,oyi, my son,do you hear me? ”

” yes thatha( grand father).”

” On the 5th full moon from today,go and climb the great peak of thondi and stand there,with some of your French wine,Swiss cheese and Thiyirsadham,that day we shall upgrade to the platinum thondi member. Be well dressed ,the special angles will be there and oh! they likes bribes,so have some nice gift handy for him.”

” oh! I shall do as you say thatha,but one problem,I do not take or pay bribes,I have been inspired by bloggers to not do so.I refuse to pay bribes.” 

“Ha! that is sad,make your choice,I have to go,my balance is almost over,my I should change connections,waiting for number portability..bye..”

The king woke up from the trance . He left so fresh, ha he had such wonderful ideas and he got the message,he dutifully recited it,like some sacred hymn,lest he forget it! He left as if he was growing younger by the day,like Benjamin Button…

Suddenly there was a blast and a gunman appeared,he placed the PK-A7 on the kings head and with a wild laugh screamed “Game over”….

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Sambar magic(the tale of thondiraja)-part 7!(spoof)

read part 6 here

And like any proper movie dog,it was trained.This was no ordinary slumdog,this was a slumdog,with a English touch,given to the sage by the English man who just fell in love with the aroma of Sambar,the man was also passionate about telling lies,but now was nowhere to be seen.

The gentlest men in this Earth are not those who wear a Armani and eat Thayirsadam(curd rice) made by some mammi,nor are they crickters who grew up dreaming about an actress and a Ferrari.No ad in the world can display the gentleness of men,for the weight of their beard will crush them but the living example was our king.And as he ran,so light he was that everything became as still as a statue at a road corner,showered with crow poop.

And every creature with 6 senses or less,watched the great thodiraja chase the great dog with the English touch.This was the race of the century(a few film critics commented that this running was inspired by Wall-e but the truth is ,well that is a secret,go file a Right to info case to know..) ,the king desperately tried to catch the dog,much like a hero in a tamil cinema chases his twin brother,much like boys chase the girls in school,but the ending was inevitable,you can’t enter everywhere and so the dog reached safe house,in the form of a ladies rest room.

The king felt misreable,so miserable,he almost began to weep,his innerwear almost turned pink but then from nowhere,the rest room changed(unlike platform 9 3/4,you don’t need to run into something,like it is a relative who you don’t want to see) into a hut. The king was mesmerised,if only this was a movie,he could nominate for the Oscars and the place had some magic about it…

Suddenly he heard someone singing inside,the lyrics seemed familiar,” oh  baby one more time…” and there appeared the sage,dressed in a Tommy tee and a mallu style lungi.

“Oh! myi eet hhhis the graaat king thondi,haaaw is yaaar taaaammy bro? Did toemmy make you ron taa mach? ”

The king was shocked,”You a mellu? ” he asked the sage,he gulped and added,” are you a namboothri? ”

“Ha! No no,that is just a fake accent,I was trying out these lungis and namboothri,is that a Abishiek Bachan movie? And Krishna,Rama ,Govida,they are trying to sermonize me now! Those senas,I am cancelling their thondi membership and launching a mallu magenta lungi  campaign against them.But what is that in your hand? ”

“This? It is the latest tech from mircosoft,they wanted me to count the number of times the thing crashes,their logic being is that if it crashes lesser times than the PC,then they should dump it.” 

“Ha! But you are caring a room heater to Chennai,Corruption to a government,Bail out to the Americans and and oh come trying to teach earthlings to be peaceful! I have all the technology and I have tried that out one too,it sucks,it crashes so many times per hour that I lost count,I mean it was more than the awards,Slumdog has won,oh! do you why the movie became famous? ”

“Why?”

“because they had sambar magic,they are a rare success…” And then the lights dimed and a song burst out and the sage continued,” Oh!thats a ARR special which I had made,anyway…see my hands and listen to me speak by my beard..”

And the king sees the hands,he sees a magical ring..he goes into a trance and he hears the sage speak…

Sambar magic(the tale of thondiraja)-part 6!(spoof)

read part 5 here.

 

And the computer crashed! The king got irritated and was about to blow up,but something struck him!He looked beyond that which is seen-The OS was vista and yes it lived up to its name! If you want something search it out! Such divine revelation! Maybe that is why he opened the gates and ran out and made lots of bills! Ha and so the king set about preparing the trip.

But before any packing,he needed to eat.He took out his mobile and called the wonderful home minsiter.The minister barked into the phone,

” And yes we are facing problems! But law wasn’t written in a day! It took more than two years to write,word by word,issue by issue,problem by problem! Just read the fine print! You guys missed out the star! –Conditions apply!”

The king took in a couple of deep breaths and in a icy voice replied,

“My fine sir! If only life can be made fair,by using a fairness cream! Now this is your king here.I do appreciate your preparations for the world human rights day summit,but if you want to hold on to your stars,better get into that ferrari of yours and be here and if you don’t I will have that head of yours and that branded spectacles chopped like interest rates!” 

And the minister in a mocking tone replied,

” Oh! Sire,but pardon me! I shall be there! I was preparing for the call in programme, evidently they want human rights unplugged! In fact they are giving world leaders free calls! Its about tigers you see and men with beards,you see! I shall be there!” 

And the phone went dead.Ha but the king forgot to tell him to bring him food! He dialed again-

“All lines are currently busy,please dial later!” 

“Oh! by my great thondi!” The thondiraja blew,”what is this! ”

And the power went out.Even as the generators were switched on,the king’s face turned white! But just as a major explotion was about to take place as if someone was testing nuclear weapons under the bed of a ill leader,the home minister ran home!The pace at which he did run,was amazing!If the olympic sprinters were to run without steriods then this would be it!

The miniter went on his knees and apologised! There can be no doubt,this was true culture! This cooled the king,like a beer from a bar in Mad-lur! 

“Chiao! Cheeks ! Thats polite ! I am pleased,but now get up,If you want to get married,go to Mad-lur or Bad-lur and sit in a park on fourteenth of this month with a girl! Cheap and easy! the media will also be there! I will gift you a saffron colour ice cream!  My such social service! And oh! Remember to wear the Levi jeans and the miss…who ever it is,that pink,Venus’ short shirts! ”

beliwered the minister answered

” But I am already a married man! ”

” Then get up and get me something to eat! I shall be going for a hike! So I will not be here for a while! Now remember to check the date on all invitations for thondi idol! Oh! And please avoid bad translation! I don’t want people to think this is any other show! IT IS THE IDOL show! Why even Jackson wants to take part! Too bad he isn’t a citizen of Thondi! And don’t forget to forget sending an invitation to Himesh! Let him stay there and sing for the queen! And remember to create some problem or the other everyday or I will be penalized by the news channels and remember to check that the proper diet is served for the children of thondi! ”

And the king took a breath but before he could resume,the minister ran, now more like a sprinter on steriods to fetch the food! He had never heard the king so unhumourous! If only it was the economy ,he could bail it out!

The king now left alone,he tried to on the comp,he pressed and pressed it,nothing happened….until in rage he kicked it,with the Ronaldo technique! And boom! He was suddenly in the Sambar world! But at a different place…Now wait a minute it seemed to make some sense..

 

“SMSes are short,

MNS is a blot,

Businesses are caught,

Seats are bought,

Time for a simple thought,

You voice shall play a part,

But better think twice,before you tie the knot.”

But his voice,he was no sage with a mouth in his foot! He didn’t SMS anyone did he, he took out his mobile again and to his surprise he found that he had a message in his inbox,

“This V day free massage for you and your other half at 50% discount! Hurry limited offer!”

“Ha pity, will this lead to him finding his better half! Ha this Sambar,it is crazy! Like a croc in a T.V. ad   ! Now he needed to find a blot. But he realzied that million dollar pens don’t blot nor does anyone in the state of Thondi own a decent leaky parker! The poorest man was..poor? That was never heard of in thondi,where will he get this pen!”

He thought and began to take a stroll…His sudddenly turned around and saw a dog following him.No this was not  a gift from his mobile network to follow him everywhere! This was no  voota-phone(voota -borken) ,something caught his attention,he started closing in on the dog.The Dog seeing such a huge figure coming close to it,turned and began to run!

The great big fat,Raja Raja Raja Thondiraja ran.It was a sight to behold,a mark in history! Something which obese children will read in the future and get inspired by,he started spriting like Captain VJkanth ,this was what the doctor..er…sage ordered for..

Sambar magic(the tale of thondiraja)-part 2!(spoof)

Read part one here.

 

The king once informed,was elated.He gave his wonderful ministers a treat in the Taj,near the Gateway of  Thondi.While eating an exotic fifty course meal,he was informed,that the lady in question was angry and was planning to sue the king of thondi in the international court of justice,for using her name.Confused and perplexed,the king,had a second helping of each dish.

The great Thondiraja,returned to his court.He knew the only way to help cool a person who lived in the artic(almost),was to send a “hot” gift.The singer Himesh would have been useful,but unfortunately he was in England.The sight of the latest AK 74,caught his eyes.What better gift,to give a person? After all the cold might get to her head and she might need something to help.He would send her some wine from his vineyards in France and a few guns.

The minister was summoned and told to write a letter,intricately describing,the beauty of American culture and their wonderful screaming music.The minister being a financial genius,praised the wall street businessmen and their slyly tactics.The letter was then sprayed with the latest deo from axe.The wine and the letter were shipped to the Arctic.A couple of days later,he received a mail from the lady and that she was impressed.

The king didn’t not like this at all.The queen should be more terrifying,so terrifying that the devil’s of interviews should cry and wish to be exported to some country.The king sent her a CD of Suprabatham and wished her long life.

After all the hullabaloo the king,was tired and wanted some real romance.So before parading his fleet of concords to another country and hunting a lady,he wrote a post on his blog condemning the air strikes by one country on another.This way the ministers would be kept on their toes and they would not eat too much,get a heart attack and die forcing him to return early.

At the airport,while he was about to board his plane,in a rather filmy style,an old man with a long beard and a sitar appeared.It would be blasphemy not to give a full account of what happened,so the actual conversation which took place:-

King Thondi:-Who are you? I am off to find a wife,so unless you have a daughter,you can talk.Since that is unlikely,move out of way of I shall crush you.

The man with the bread:- Oh wise one,my name would not be needed here.But I am the man who can offer you solace.

King Thondi:-Solace,Quantum of Solace? I didn’t like the movie.That fellow looked older than you,old man.And i would have been a better hero.I don’t talk to people without names,so be fast,i don’t want to waste the tax payer’s money by keeping the planes running!

The man with the beard:-

My father’s name is Bhrama

and my fav line is Narayana.

Krishna’s best friend was Sudhama,

Narayana Narayana,

from the Himalaya to Kumari,

From Ganga to Kaveri,

I am the sage who has fun

All the while on the run-

I am Narada.

Or at least,i played the part in Doordarshan.So call me that.Anyway I too pay taxes,so follow me oh! great king,who can eat the enitre universe,please follow me,I shall get you a wife.

King thondi:-Ha interesting,now I can Identify you,the bread has changed you.A queen? Who is she? Is she hotter than Shakira? Can she dance? Can she sing? Oh! you great Narada? 

The man with the bread:-By the merc your father gave me,yes she is way way better,follow me.

And so the king ordered the planes to be shut.He wouldn’t have lost,after all the fuel prices ha come down.He then  followed the man with the beard.

They entered the forests,the king held his gun ready,there were rumors that a pink panther was moving about.But the man with the bread,motioned him to put the gun down.And then,like Ronaldo,measuring a free kick,the man with the bread,measured 5 steps talked to a tree,complained that the bushes had grown too fast and ran and smacked a near by stone.The stone bounced of another tree,enraged,he took it on the volley and this time hit went over the tree and landed some distance away in a small pond.

The scenery changed.There in the middle of what seemed to be a heaven in earth,was a river.But instead of water,sambar flowed.The king was stunned,why he didn’t know the Sambar river went through Thondi,he thought it was only a myth.

He then realized it was another world,a world with a world.And at that moment his phone rang.The Sambar magic began.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The absurd list(its not just another list)

I have never been made any new year resolutions,after all isn’t it better to get to the solution at the first attempt then the re-solution? Hmm..does sound like a whole bunch of nonsense,but the title gurantees abusrdity,to the Nth degree of an indefinite line(whatever that is).So let me make this wonderful list,which made a sally and haunted me,till I resolved to write this post.

And since this is absurd,don’t factor in time here.The probability of these things,is perfectly elasitic (or inelastic) ,i.e.,one/all of the thing mentioned in the list might  happen within the next second(it hasn’t) or when I am senile old man,with false teeth,asking my grandson/great great grand daughter,how to use some new machine,which probably would be made by a guy who flunked LKG.So lets get to this wonderful list.

+- Publish a book.Until recently this found a place in the to do list.I moved it out (into this list) ,after reading a few famous books.While it is possible for any Ramaswami/Sighania/Tom who happens to write about some “teeny” love story to sell,what i write will never sell,unless,I grow a beard and have a six pack or a big belly.

+- Play football for Arsenal/Barca/Wolfsburg.Not that I would turn down an offer from some other club.But these are my favs in the respective leagues.But considering the fact that 16 years in the age at which most Arsenal player’s start their carrer,I am too old.So that leaves Barca and Wolfsburg.One has too many good players and the other,hmm…I just don’t speak German(nor Spanish).So there ends my football millions before my first Nike deal(please buy the shirt with my name and #7 or #9 on it).

+-Make a movie with Jonny Depp,Amir Khan and Kamal Hassan with Heath Ledger as the villian( Jack Sparrow shall take us to world’s end to bring back the villain!).The ladies shall be Deepika and Priyanka and for the sake of my wonderful friends Jessica Beil.You will not be able to guess who is Amir,Jonny and Kamal,until the last scene(they will be look alike triplets).So that leaves a female lead short,no there shall be no Pandava style sharing,one of them will find a lady drowning and rescue her(the lady shall be Kamal and the man shall be Kamal,a double roll,he does deserve,after all he did manage to do 10!).

+-Create world peace.If only master card could by world peace.But apparently,they too are going to go bankrupt soon,people came to the conclusion that buying priceless things was the best way to utilize their unlimited credit facility.And of course,thanks to too much of inflation,peas costs are high,that’s why countries use nukes.Or we can use the bottled chemicals aka soft drinks,the only thing soft about them might be that they use soft water,which 5 star hotels sell above the MRP.

+-Come first in something(except being first to reach school).This is something which has evaded me.I never manage to come first in anything(or rather,I forgot the last time,I came first in something).So time to get the aces-4 aces and a joker,will ensure I win.Though the probability is pretty low.

+-Go and visit,every square millimeter of earth.Going on a world tour,has become too common and journey to center of the earth,has already been done.So before Guinness runs out of records,let me create this one.I shall start soon.(Apparently,my great grandfather used to walk everywhere and I want to add to that,no joking, I am serious about this,though this is in the absurd list.)

+-Become the PM/president of the country.I think being a president would be more fun.You know,going on a holiday,when the country is getting bombed,how romantic.PM means,you can get kicked out of office anytime,but no one cares about the president,the roadies wouldn’t know your name nor would the people watching it.

+-Listen to all of Beethoven,Tchaikovsky,Rachmaninoff and other classics.

+- Compose some music.

+- Write an anthem,which would be more popular that another brick in the wall.

+- Build the world’s largest ,tallest,biggest and the best building.I am searching for some land,so if any of you are selling,hold on,let me make some money and i will buy it from you soon.

+- Invent something,anything.Let it be some weird theorem or something super useful like orkut(please don’t tell me you don’t get this one).

+- Make everyone in the world think.By far the most absurd.As long as MTV is what people watch,there is no hope.

+-Make this blog the most read.Hmm…thanks for contributing to this,by reading this far 😀 

+- Write something short.(  🙂  ) 

+- Create a new language.

+- Or at least a world and make it more widely used that fuck.

+- Finish writing takes of thondiraja.

+- Try to remember all the absurd things.

So now I am going to add tags.I am not entirely happy nor are my ardent readers,at me writing such nonsense.But unlike my senselessness grapevine( wouldn’t you all prefer wine?) stories,there is more of heart and thought in this.It should actually be longer,but considering the fact,that I want to eat something,I cut this short.

Now all those of you came here,through a search engine,keep visiting me.I am not capable of cashing in,on the vogue,day in and day out.After all,before pink returns,we might have more people with pink slips and Indians talking without a an American accent(ya,we all know its fake,unless you were born there).

I like this word- macabre.And funnily enough the wordpress spell check,is pointing out that the word blog doesn’t exist,that shouldn’t be happening right,Mark?

And since,this is long enough,to not welcome comments,the post ends here.I shall respond to the comments,on the older posts soon,so don’t leave without commenting!

Just a thought,why do we never begin conversation with good night,like with good morning and good afternoon?