Something about me

This probably has become a habit now. Sunday afternoon posts. There is something comforting about it(though it doesn’t fetch many comments). Today I am going to write something about me.

ASPIRE, is the word. Now what do I aspire to be? The way I talk , people think I have it all figured out. So here is the truth- I haven’t figured out anything.

True, I am doing CA(about 100 days to go for the exam *sigh), but well I am not really into the idea of working as one.  I am doing it because otherwise I will be wasting my time with B.Com alone. Of course, not that formal education is going to turn me into Bill Gates.

SO what do I want to be? Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut, but that seems pretty far away, especially since I am in the commerce stream(you can make my day, by telling me, how I can still become one). Some how the idea of flying in an almost surreal world, combined with views of swargaloka(though I had figured out,even back then, that it didn’t exist) , comets and planets, captivated my imagination.

I used to be left to my own devices. In a world of “big kids” and  adults, I usually found day dreaming and imagining more fun. Superman and Spiderman, were never my favorites, simple because they had too much to do with humans. I preferred my own characters and turned even the most mundane object into something awesome.

I used to rearrange chairs and make the nether world beneath tables and beds my cool crafts. In short I wanted to be a superhero, but with another dimension- I wanted to be up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.

Some how I have always felt more comfortable, in my own world. People who know the gregarious me , will be surprised. After all, I keep making friends(and ‘enemies’ so to speak) all the time. But behind that there is that love for being in my own world. And probably that is why, I have never feared any God, as such- I saw the idols as “fun people to play with” and used to think of new wars and stories.

And I used to be shy(The change probably came during the summer of 2007 and of course blogging, but more about it later)- I couldn’t stand being blindfolded(those games at kiddy parties) or being too far away from people I knew. There is a gap of six years between me and my sister, so that probably, added my preference for playing alone.

Building blocks were a strong favourite. I probably would have made will make a very good architect. The scope they offer along with their definite proportions is overwhelming. Only wish I had bigger blocks to build now.

We have a swing at home. And I have never fell down from a swing. For others it might be horses and ponies, for me it is swings.I came up with a variety of polo- cycle polo(among myriad others) The opposition- chairs, tables and anything/anyone in my way.

Imagination changes everything. It gives you a lot of freedom, blank walls become carpets of history and thoughts, the sky holds animals  and people.

I was and still am a very cautious person. I never take on anything head first. I see, I analyse and then act. People around me can make fun of me, but I analysed how to walk on walls way before any of my class mates did, I am sure. Walls offer a great way to practise balance.

Walking around the perimeter of my house and imaging all sort of opponents and ways to fight them. I think I have fallen from a wall, only once, that too, when I tried to get down hurriedly, for some unknown reason but then again, that probably is it. I hate making big mistakes and make sure they never happen again(?).

My judgement is mostly right, because as I said, I never get into something without thinking about it. The only place where my prognosis might be wrong, is here, the blogging world. It still hurts to think that my idea failed to materialise.

I am a bad loser. I cannot stand losing. And yet success in competitions, exams and even sports, has eluded me. I set high standards (probably too high, thanks to being the hero in my small little world) and when the bubble broke, I used to feel very very low.

True to my sun sign, I can very emotional, sensitive, while in fact I seem the contrary. And that has given a sort of “emotional photographic memory”. Colours have always fascinated me(my mom will tell you, that she had to teach me “white”, because I refused to accept white to be white, I am very tenacious) and though I am not all that great at drawing, I like to doodle.

Cricket cards and cricket. I remember the vigour with which we used to collect those things. When I grew older, it was replaced with cards, but it was cricket at least till I was 9-10. The only part of cricket I still like is bowling. I like anything which can be made to act under my spell. Batting is no fun, I probably got no where in cricket, because I refused to play forward defence in my coaching class(much much later).

Watching. Trains, autos, sky, construction etc. Sitting quietly and observing things, is second nature to me. And questioning when I don’t understand is first. While now I can articulate and describe it, back then, I think I understood that a lot of effort goes into it and felt that everything could be figured out. The element here is, that things can be moulded and can fit in.

I am already approaching the 1000 words mark, but these are things which I love to recount. Someone questioned me a few years back(on one of my poems), how can someone so young write such stuff. To me and probably to people who have seen me grow up, it has never been a surprise. I enjoy thinking, watching, observing and most of all creating.

From Drop Box

I started to write much later. But writing is a sum of all those things which I used to love doing, which I cannot do now because of various reasons. It is my shell, where I can hide, it is where I am the hero again and where things cement and mould into each other, the way I want.

The paint will stain the walls in the angles I want and the sky is probably not that high. unlike other kids, I never wanted to be a doctor when I saw one, an engineer or a teacher, I wanted to be an astronaut and I believed it was possible and still do.

I learnt history, tales and fables and politics through my grand dad. That probably is the reason, why I never struggled in social science like others- I knew them already and to me, they were plays being performed in my head. India in my head, was a fantastic idea, it was a passion and something which we fought for and got it. It is our home and we belong here.

Yet time has disrupted that view. More than time, it is people. I still have the belief in my dreams. I still believe India can be much more, India can be the best. But it is the people. And that is the element, which though I understand a lot about, I fail to understand one thing- the need to be caught in a box. Or maybe I am.

But one thing is for sure. What I want to be, What I really want to be , What I really really want to be, is , a writer. And I am one. It doesn’t matter if no one reads what I write. I have always been the hero. The skies and the walls and the chairs and my friends are there for me. That is why I say, I write for myself.

It probably is a wall, erected to block the disappointment of not being what I imagined what I write will bring to me, but it has a door. You can knock, I am waiting.

P.S:- The post should tell you one more thing about me- I can be random and let my thinking cleave it’s own path.

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Nila kaigirathu

An awesome song 😀

Tried taking a shot of the moon 🙂

From newcamera2

And yes I did write a poem about the moon, about a year back – you can read it here 🙂

An old Tamil(rather Tanglish ) joke:-

Moona paru.

But oneu dhana is there! (Moonu in tamil is three 😀 so.. 😛 )

So which is your fav. moon song?

IF my life was a song

Note:-thanks Indyeah for “IF my life was a song”

If my life was a song,
Then in the verses between
In a candour coveted hand,
I would breathe alive-
An expression set to the breeze
A serenade from the versatile winds
And forever free,in the wild laps
Of the one infinity.

If my life was a song,
Than in the notes high and low,
Connected above and below,
I shall ring the senses
Of mankind and be a passe
To the future-yet remembered
As the sound which propelled
The venerated verses of a magician-
Her wishes in me carried
And complete in wholesome alacrity.

If my life was a song,
I then long,
To be spread as unseen
lengths,in the several
Sounds of a violin;
the breath of a maiden
The etude of an epiphany-
Symphony,an encore to the passion,
The penchant of divine creativity.

If my life was a song,
Somewhere,somewhere,
From I rose,
And maybe it was a lover in remorse,
Or a conundrum engraved to a suppose-
To enchant the gullible and parade
The rhetoric manevolence of a ruler
Set to dispose,the knight right
Chivalry of a mixed man.

Or a dirge ,
A lament of someone young
And fine,In verses set to a graveyard rime.
If my life was a song,
Than maybe a war cry-the sound of melee
And bombs which rob the day and night
Of people with dreams and azure wild dreams,
So as to satisfy the whims of one obscene.

If my life was a song,
I would rather be the praises
Of an exactitude,proposals
Of multitude to some Unseen
And one which the pride of
Man and ignorance is obsessed
And binds and bonds those who will free.

Or if my life was a song,
I shall be the verses of the bard,
Sung aloud in a kinder park of
Beautiful flowers and vivacious
Hearts all running to the willies
Of unknown dangers aware
Which seeked by a few who dare
And than inspired ,fought to wear
And in their arsenal sound memory’s wear.

Or a rare sound from a exotic bird,
One rare,precious chirp.
Or the virtual wisdom of a poet
And in that the wisdom’s tune,
Alive and upright,
Command and comrade,
Never to fade,
Into the shallow depths of human memory.

Yet what ever I may be,
A whine or a rhapsody,
I shall be the one who travels
The beyonds of any verse,
The corners of the hidden universe.
I shall be in my company-
The one who sees life
And death as one to sung
And then the instrument hung,
But never shall I end before another
Has begun,as the world in a song,
Seeks solace and in that phase,
I shall be the winds of change.

Mutiny’s tenacity,
That which can never be disconnected,
The works of masters mortal yet immortal,
Beyond moral and miser and miserable medieval
Macabre,the memoir of the birth of the universe,
Unbound and skinless and soulful and sounded
Strings of severe success in killing the cull-able
And pushing the dare-able
To the path of infinite morality,
One where no virtue but that of great
And echoed sounds of the beaten
Shall be a light to those who seek life within.

And as a song,
All along,in march
and in may
on a winter or a sunny day,
The sounds keep the world alive,
Oh! you blind who fails to hear this
Forever shall be self-cursed of the divine bliss.
Come alive and listen,if not to the world ,within,
The notes of the world are never missing,
For a missing verse,is worse than a visceral curse!

And if my life was a song,
I would all this, sing along,
In your sleep,
In your awaken dreams,
I shall pass on the mystery
And guard you, I shall be the sentry.
And yet do not take me for a mystic,
Just listen to me,
I am a prophet,
One by nature born to be,
If you do not act,
But in ignorance relax,
Faith shall curdle
And earth perish,
Lend a voice sing aloud,
Shout as a scout,
Or a bout of feverish hail,
If my life was a song,
I am being sung!!

If my life was a song,
I am being sung!
If my life was a song,
I am being sung.
Life has just begun
And forever it shall run!

The light shines the brightest

tagged!

Destionation Infinity  has tagged me! The tag’s name is “Slow Melodious and Soulful Songs“.

Music is a form of expression. And to us the work of an artist is a way to relate to the ultimatum within us. Now the problem with this tag is,I do not know how I would be able to stop myself once I have began.

From M.S.Subhalakshmi to Pink Floyd and ARR to Metallica,I love so many songs.And add to that the classical wizards of symphonies and suits and an  opus ordinates intself of an extremely high allegro! 

But let me start with Tamil songs,as DI asked me to do 🙂 Though tamil is my mother tongue,one major problem is that now days the tamil me and my friends speak,has a lot of English,in fact I can talk tamil only with a few people,to others I switch back to english after a sentence.but luckily for me I can ask my grand parents and parents the meaning of words.

And then then there are the film songs,well I am not really a filmy person.Well let me list them,enough of red-hearing 😛 

-Kurai Ondrum Illai 

 

– Bhaja Govindam

– Bethoveen symphony 9

-four seasons by vivaldi

-Tchaikovsky, Piano Concerto No. 1

 

Now those are my top 5 🙂 Of course i would say entire collection of Tchaikovasky(should be able to spell him soon without a mistake 😛 ) and Bethoveen..I like the way the hit the right high notes.The first two songs have a lot of emotional value to me

Let me choose a few from movies 🙂 

-Masakali( ya ya ya 😉  )

-Katrinilae mozhi

-Kalai matrum kandal from Dashavataram

-All the songs from Jodha Akbar

-Slum Dog millionaire songs(seriously people it is guuuud!)

-I admit most of ARR’s songs 🙂 

Forgot a lot of songs 😛 But I usually like songs with good lyrics..

And I should say most of Floyds and Guilmore’s songs. I should also add flipsyde’s songs( a few spun,flipsyde,someday etc)..But they aren’t really slow but soulful when you need to cover your burns 😉 

It also depends on my mood I guess,But I mostly listen to Tchiakovsky…I started this post with the aim of listing a lot of songs but as I linked the videos i got into the songs and have forgotten the list 😛 

 

Anyway Now I tag:-

–rambodoc ( yes music for the body and soul doc,please! 😛 ) 

–Apar

–Meenu(first one i am passing on to you?) 

–Jeevan(patu!) 

–Paul(we never get to hear about music from you 🙂 )

–Vimal( Enjoy !) 

–Quirky Indian

P.S: Ya I am 17!! Not 70 😛

Rain peace

At the top stood peace,
between vapours and trees.
The watery spirits moved about
and were ready for a fresh bout.
And those of man’s creation,
waited to see nature’s manifestation.
The winds blew back to the equator
and with it brought clouds filled with vapour.
The North-East monsoon was at play,
and nothing can keep them at bay.
A grandeur ,a synthesis of forces,
balanced and in perfect poses,
came down to earth,
back towards the hearth,
back to the eternal solution,
the mighty ocean.

Yet above remains a sense of peace,
one which nothing can teach,
for abstract it is,
just like the vapours.Yet it takes
a form,like the clouds,
free and flowing,
with the winds of creation’s being.
The harsh tunes of man’s action,
of wasteful chatter and bicker,
can only be minor disturbance,
that can never take away the tune
of  the ever green crashing
of droplets upon the ground
and solid homes and the swaying of
trees,whose inertial test it is.
The sun a lonely stranger-
behind masses he stands,
by lazies faire,he is now free,
from verbal vows against his
incessant heat.Yet it is by his decree,
that that the winds do blow
and by his will that trees grow.
And by all the wills of nature sundry,
man steps foot,on the planet,
where once ferocious creatures roamed.
And there in the midst of such,
a few nitwits in gray thoughts move,
And trying to docile everything that is true-
by nothing but their targets mind,
which produced everything so refined.

And yet the system of water is such,
that whatever maybe the ruthless
notion of stray physical might of man,
it shall flow on,for the ocean,
is shore less,what we see being
a part of the mighty universe.
And such and such a virtue,
it has,that,the tune shall flow
from every pore and it shall pour,
forever,on the shores where sediments
of countless waves crash,
since the beginning of time.
And the soul of the drops
shall give life to the seed,
like a fire,giving life to a twig.
And from that life,
many more shall spark,
which oh!will lead to more sounds
and enrich the symphony,
where every note,shall cause,
the other and every sound
shall complete the other.
And then life shall out wit
those scared creatures
and in such a world shall
there be more rains,
which will fill the purse
of life,with the fusion
of sounds,from which shall
emerge more lovelier a song,
that at last we know,there we belong.

And at there is the peace,
which no one can preach
nor can anyone breach.
And the artists shall paint
the perfect picture,where
the tree sways and the water
moves,as true as life can be.
The soul dance,shall be expressed
and no more will life be repressed
for such is the joy of music
and such is the power of rain
that descends from the heaven
which is in truth-nature driven.

And so,and so,the chords are struck
and quirk of each and each drop show.
And in the order of divine connotation,
there we see the nature’s manifestation.
And as the clouds go by,
and in months time they shall come again,
filled with treasures of oceans
far and lands unknown and unseen.
And back and forth the bow shall
move and the fingers shall grip,
those which need to be fulfilled.
And want is such that,the heat
it endures shall always be rewarded
and depression shall end in elevation
welcoming the rich clouds of gifts.
And with them our endured wisdom
shall guide us,where our prayer
of thoughts shall materialize
and grow into trees on which
shall grow not just fruits but
jewels to placed on our crown.

Forever it shall rain,
forever the song shall rein.
Forever water shall remove the stain
and forever the sun shall rise
and we shall forget vice.
Forever the bow will move,
and music it is through and through.
At the top shall stand peace,
waiting for you to breach
the bubble and see the eternal.

the light shines the brightest

Sriman Narayana

btw notice the right order of dashaavataram.It is Buddha and not Balarama.

M S Subbulakshmi::Bhaja Govindam (w. Eng. subtitle)

For more on Bhaja Govindam see here.

Tchaikovsky – 1812 overture

part 1

part 2

Jaane tu…ya jane na

the senseless stuff!(well maybe that half an hour or so a jumping board for the end)And slowly as we moved to the end,OMG! i had to double check if i was watching a hindi movie or tamil movie!What the hell,seriously? It was so boring in the middle segment,that if not for the little twinkle of hope left in me ,that it would be better,i would have ran away! And well the ending,would seriously require a Rats wah!wah! or rather a meow,meow song! seriously!God my friends are way better at telling these long,incredibly ‘blade’ jokes! Ok i feel to the floor laughing,because all other reactions/emotions died,seriously they were buried by the sheer stupidity!

I know this contradictory to what many others have said.But then seriously the movie would have left a better impression if the emotions in th middle were avoided ,i mean it was supposed to be a funny movie,they could have used it through out the movie or at least they should have made it a little less serious in the movie.

the songs are really really nice.ARR’s beats ,well you that they are the best right now.The lyrics are important for any song and the lyricist Abbas Tyrewalla has done a good job.

Anyway i would give this one 6/10 or maybe even 5.i have seen a lot of better movies than this,surely,but it did make me laugh a bit.

Anyway here is a song from the movie…

Thinking about my identity

What is the use? what is the use of this world?

It is always amazing,to know that we the significant micro(maybe even smaller) particles who make up the universe have some purpose and a life to live.Why i live my life,in a regimented way,going to school,supposedly learning things.What will it be like to be in another planet? What will I be,if i were in another planet.Would that planet too have death as we have?What is the big deal anyway of being earthling?

Think of the universe,as it is.I know it is too big to fit into my minuscule three dimensional imagination,but whatever little i can ‘see’,leaves me perplexed ,confused and in a dire need for becoming larger than life itself.Why how can something so big exist in the first place? When i was small,the sun was just ‘nature’ something which i was born into.It was a constant,to the mind which was ready to be tinkered ,it saw what what others thought they saw.The moon Always represented an old lady making ‘idly’.the beach was a place where something called waves lashed on endlessly and if i ventured into it alone,i would be eaten by it.My life was of prime importance to me.Being another heir of the mistake stricken ,unwanted humanity,survival was the instinct.

But as i grew up,i slowly realized,that things are different.In fact education does at least that much to you.You are told that we belong to a solar system and that the moon goes around us.The next time i saw the moon,i looked  at it as an entity who was moving around the earth.Now i am digging really deep to feel what i felt then.It is surprising that ‘life’ is so old.What are these memories? So are we a dream,a memory too?

Me writing rather typing,is an memory in more ways than one.Since i am writing i do not care what happens else where around me.Why would i react when i am content,why the moment will always be embedded in me,carved into me,for i am in tune with the reminiscence of the world’s making. Did we go to the heavens because earth never satisfied us? Why when did we realize that we were nothing more that illusive little creatures,who don’t know anything?

On earth everything has the touch of man,as it has of ‘god’.Almost all our fellow creatures,all the flora and fauna which were painted with the magic wand along with us ,have been cut,dissected,bisected,trisected and researched upon. We have arrived at the conclusion that we are the only ones who can think the best.We were after all the once who discovered the existence of God.

Our identity as human beings,has perpetuated from our predecessors.But deep inside all of us know that this is not our absolute identity.When we look at the sky and stare stars and suns ,we feel an old belonging ,the sight of home,after an hiatus to hibernation. Since we are the clever modern super humans in terms of an ever expanding brain and since we know about the big bang and such and such,we run a particle accelerator inside our cramped cavity,reproducing with a eerie contentment,what we feel is the origin of the universe.We revel in it for a few spectacular moments,we run the jocund clowns of happiness in us to such speeds that ecstasy is what we pronounce.We are all happy to be home,we wish to keep seeing our Gods for longer,but the ever severing mind,declares that you have to break the bonds,to live life and produce yourself to sacrifice for the betterment of man.You don’t want it.Who wants to move from home,after a long voyage?Who wants to travel,when travel is all he has done?Who wants to swim,when he has all the while swam?Yet since you are the mind,with a rhetoric puffed up displeasure you try to satisfy your real want with a chronic happiness ,which is at most momentary and small enough to displease the materialistic narcissistic in you and carry on with it.I am trying to write something and all the while i am thinking of the wonderous world,whose width widens my perspective.I am here and i am not.

What is my identity?Am i a lost sibling of a distant star,for whom if i am found,i will look the same as when i landed on Eden? Or have i crossed an Adam’s bridge,to burn all that was bad and mortal? Am i an entity for whom this body was a lease,lent by earth to write off her ever lasting loans?Or am i, simply an animal,a tainted beast,with the curse of thought and want of fantastical fantasies to suit my ill-tempered unbalanced mind?What am i anyway?

Yes,i feel lost.Yes i feel lost here too.Yet i can hear the world,but i can’t see it.I can hear the old song,but my eyes have grown used to this,so that the old song,is a poignant, nostalgic de -javu.i dream up lands,i build my castles.I am a man,a human,who has written tales upon tales with fairies and fun and frolic but i am also the man who writes edifices and breaths the voice of an enigmatic Satan,a suitable tool ,one sprung during my autumn,to sooth the God in me.yet i know,i do not need him,for i was the one who gave god a face,which he can hold high and i was the one who taught him to write,so that he can say what he felt.I lent a being bigger than me,i lent it not one but two identity,i created a juxtapose of the good and the bad,of light and night,of God and Satan,yet i fail at lending myself a single identity.I call myself the third.I am happy to pull the strings of the first too.Yet my fingers move without my knowledge in my sleep,they want home and what they see is that destruction can retrace me,to where i belong.

There is music playing in the background.The song is melodious.It is a classic,it breaths life into the creature,whose identity is his name and his music.Why what caused him to play and create music?Did he realize that if he struck his strings and quietened the world with symphonies ,he might be able to shriek out for his lost sibling?Or did he realize that when he played his music,he could be himself ,free and inheritor of freedom,the absolute transparent being,who could smile away adversity and sleep ugly to beauty? I am listening to his and with gusto summoning my aesthetic consciousness to appreciate his ballades.I try to feel the same joy he felt when his fingers were let lose upon the keys,to key in the codes of his disparity among humanity.But his code was always good,for such is the magic,of the hands who are at home,always,poor pathetic things,they can’t see nor hear,they are slaves whose only wish is to satisfy their master, as they feel that is their duty and destiny.

Movements.The breeze tickles the trees.Those gigantic beings let out giggles.Why among humanity their existence is varied.One day they are paraphrased as the basic need for the survival of humanity’s earth,the next day,they are cut by the very hands,oh! pathetic hands,they are the only ones who want to get us home.

If my hands know my home,then why don’t I?Should i close my eyes,for all eternity,so that the reality has a chance to roll the dice and bring me home to see its son?I wish i could,but i have a mind,who is a ardent appraiser of the rebellious me.I am torn by my hands,physically and by my mind mentally.I ask you both,i think of either home or heaven-hell only when i am felt free,to my peace.They refuse.I shut my eyes.The hands sway the puppets of infinity,they try to hail home closer.The mind eats into me,they ruthlessly try to disrupt the harmony and bleed my namesake into surrender,but they fail ,neither will give up,i am the used,i am the user,i am between myself.I am still wondering about me and my true reality,one thing is for sure,i will lose mortality when i find the reality,let it be soon.Mortality is lost,when sense of reality is found.

May the world be in peace.Home is not far away,the darkest night,is the last of winter,the coldest water is one before the hot.Let the world exist at it should,let every man reach his harbor and let every flight end at home,may the world be in peace,i go to sleep….