February 25, 2009 § 8 Comments
And like any proper movie dog,it was trained.This was no ordinary slumdog,this was a slumdog,with a English touch,given to the sage by the English man who just fell in love with the aroma of Sambar,the man was also passionate about telling lies,but now was nowhere to be seen.
The gentlest men in this Earth are not those who wear a Armani and eat Thayirsadam(curd rice) made by some mammi,nor are they crickters who grew up dreaming about an actress and a Ferrari.No ad in the world can display the gentleness of men,for the weight of their beard will crush them but the living example was our king.And as he ran,so light he was that everything became as still as a statue at a road corner,showered with crow poop.
And every creature with 6 senses or less,watched the great thodiraja chase the great dog with the English touch.This was the race of the century(a few film critics commented that this running was inspired by Wall-e but the truth is ,well that is a secret,go file a Right to info case to know..) ,the king desperately tried to catch the dog,much like a hero in a tamil cinema chases his twin brother,much like boys chase the girls in school,but the ending was inevitable,you can’t enter everywhere and so the dog reached safe house,in the form of a ladies rest room.
The king felt misreable,so miserable,he almost began to weep,his innerwear almost turned pink but then from nowhere,the rest room changed(unlike platform 9 3/4,you don’t need to run into something,like it is a relative who you don’t want to see) into a hut. The king was mesmerised,if only this was a movie,he could nominate for the Oscars and the place had some magic about it…
Suddenly he heard someone singing inside,the lyrics seemed familiar,” oh baby one more time…” and there appeared the sage,dressed in a Tommy tee and a mallu style lungi.
“Oh! myi eet hhhis the graaat king thondi,haaaw is yaaar taaaammy bro? Did toemmy make you ron taa mach? ”
The king was shocked,”You a mellu? ” he asked the sage,he gulped and added,” are you a namboothri? ”
“Ha! No no,that is just a fake accent,I was trying out these lungis and namboothri,is that a Abishiek Bachan movie? And Krishna,Rama ,Govida,they are trying to sermonize me now! Those senas,I am cancelling their thondi membership and launching a mallu magenta lungi campaign against them.But what is that in your hand? ”
“This? It is the latest tech from mircosoft,they wanted me to count the number of times the thing crashes,their logic being is that if it crashes lesser times than the PC,then they should dump it.”
“Ha! But you are caring a room heater to Chennai,Corruption to a government,Bail out to the Americans and and oh come trying to teach earthlings to be peaceful! I have all the technology and I have tried that out one too,it sucks,it crashes so many times per hour that I lost count,I mean it was more than the awards,Slumdog has won,oh! do you why the movie became famous? ”
“because they had sambar magic,they are a rare success…” And then the lights dimed and a song burst out and the sage continued,” Oh!thats a ARR special which I had made,anyway…see my hands and listen to me speak by my beard..”
And the king sees the hands,he sees a magical ring..he goes into a trance and he hears the sage speak…
January 21, 2009 § 10 Comments
And the apple hit the king’s head.The king was propelled into a headtrip,the sun turned blue,the guards started singing like Britney and the minister’s clothes turned pink and a medieval slum from some where,appeared.
The king was confused.How can an apple,have this effect? He felt miserable,so miserable that he decided to watch CC2C .He claped his hand and with a sparrow appeared Jack Sparrow he was called. ” Where am I? Get me CC2C,ha macabre,pirate,monkeys don’t eat meat! Where is the pirated DVD? ”
“Oh!King the pirates of Somalia have seized it!”
“What thou too Jack? And what happened to your compass? ”
“Oh!desperate times sire,had to sell it,thanks to the depression!American’s have reduced imports!”
“OH! how bad can this get? A painted king,upon a painted pink? This is insanity,my I do wonder how Newton got along,maybe thats why he decided to think of far more romantic things like the moon and going in circles..”
“What ,no don’t dream…er..your thondiness..wait…We do have RBDJ,SRK you know…”
“No,no I need a jodi for thondi Idol..I liked that Pinto lady,in Slumdog…ha Why do they call it hot dog,when it doesn’t have a dog?”
A dolrum ,the king heard.It seemed to be screaming,give the king sambar,give the king sambar.
“Ha Jack,get me some sambar!”
“Sambar? Nothing ..i ain’t know anything like that mate..hmm..King!”
And in a world of his own,the king broke down to a song,much like a drunken thief on a drowning island.The people around him were troubled.Who would give their bonus and other incentives and those long meals at Taj,gateway to thondi? And the king didn’t have a sun..er..son yet! Something needed to be done.
Someone came running,it was a pretty girl.Ha modest,cute,but she seemed foreign .
“Oh! men of virtues old and new!” She began,” those who have taken the pledge to be corrupt and thus make sure your future is safe!I know the solution!”
“HA! my lady,who are you doesn’t matter,all that matters is you help our king,name your price!” After all he looked local enough,demanding and all.
” First let me make the king calm,datacalm…”
And she went to the dissembled king and bowed,as if he was an statue which crows graced and then said an incantation,”Zuka zuka zukiii zuk…zukier zuk zahir zak zaki zakkiiii zakoki zakim zakiw zakique “(censored as it is top secret).
The king became calm,as calm as a person who informs the world,he is a fraud and they can’t do anything,as they don’t know his Swill bank Pin code.
She turned around.”It is the curse,but once I break,the king will be enlightened.He shall solve all the problems.And for that very reason,we need protection,so that no terrorist comes in his way and forces him to create more weapons of mass destruction.And now price…
“All of you get out of here.”
The minister argued,”but we cannot,we need to ensure his safety.”
“See I am not wearing any shoes,so I shall not throw any at him.I do not have planes,so I won’t bomb him.I do not have any Polonium so I will not poison him.So if you won’t your king,get out, or I am going to…”
And without any other choice and considering their unfortunate circumstances,the guards and the ministers left.
The lady took out a mirror,placed it on the calm king’s head.Punched his big stomach thrice and hailed the lords of Thondi and smashed the mirror much like the ancient custom.The mirrorcracked .The king fell down. Everything became silent.Silence prevailed.AS calm as the world was when Obama took the pledge,but of course there was no one taking a pledge. Divorces in the US weren’t fought,as the judge was stunned how his wig became black,no one was bumped ,even Israel decided to call a cease fire and no Viva voce took place for that wonderful moment.
The Gods seemed to be watching,the spirits of thondi,came about and blessed,their progeny,lest he be condemned to celibacy.A new spirit descended into the king.He came to know that all this was the work of the Sambar,the sambar magic!He woke up,slowly,he took in the world and the lass.He was struck by her beauty,but unlike some desperate teenager,he smiled ruefully,cleaned with the latest product from Tollgate.
The world began to breath easy.The king got up,the lady got up,they kissed,their souls met,unpolluted,the factories didn’t run as the employees were on a strike,the roads were clean,as the bus drivers were on strike. The birds chirped,the flowers bloomed,the sea dashed of L’oreal’s latest water colour,marriage’s are made in heaven,kisses are made with lips…Quid pro quo.
They watched the sun set into the far off beach,Sambar magic was working,the king felt as fat as ever.