Sometimes Witty, Sometimes Vetti

Life is moving so fast that I can walk faster than a car. A car stuck in a traffic jam in T Nagar. But every speeding human, has a ticket to somewhere and mine it seems is to Kerala. Finally a place where my name will be home! The chutzpah of it all. This will be the first time in my life, I will be away from home for 10 days. I am terribly excited and fired up to count the assets before I see them.

Fortunately this time, it is a job which is less tiring. I shall admire the sea,the  nari(wolf? or naari=women?) and the scenery and of course curse the coconut trees that block my view every now and then. That is gross stereotyping of course, but well, I am typing this right now.

I have in a way run out ideas for blog posts. Once upon a time, that would have been a whole post by itself, but that was once upon a time. This week has been pretty busy. Went to one of those big corporates with lots and lots of cubicles and people who kept saying “I don’t have access”. Well at least they all can excel. Word. Power to point out a bad font.

I want to write more stories. So planning to post a story a week. The first two were inspired by Chennai. Do read them, if you haven’t already. And if you have, hope you liked them.

Now that my vetti-time is over and I have run of anything witty. Tata!

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Sambar magic(the tale of thondiraja)-part 7!(spoof)

read part 6 here

And like any proper movie dog,it was trained.This was no ordinary slumdog,this was a slumdog,with a English touch,given to the sage by the English man who just fell in love with the aroma of Sambar,the man was also passionate about telling lies,but now was nowhere to be seen.

The gentlest men in this Earth are not those who wear a Armani and eat Thayirsadam(curd rice) made by some mammi,nor are they crickters who grew up dreaming about an actress and a Ferrari.No ad in the world can display the gentleness of men,for the weight of their beard will crush them but the living example was our king.And as he ran,so light he was that everything became as still as a statue at a road corner,showered with crow poop.

And every creature with 6 senses or less,watched the great thodiraja chase the great dog with the English touch.This was the race of the century(a few film critics commented that this running was inspired by Wall-e but the truth is ,well that is a secret,go file a Right to info case to know..) ,the king desperately tried to catch the dog,much like a hero in a tamil cinema chases his twin brother,much like boys chase the girls in school,but the ending was inevitable,you can’t enter everywhere and so the dog reached safe house,in the form of a ladies rest room.

The king felt misreable,so miserable,he almost began to weep,his innerwear almost turned pink but then from nowhere,the rest room changed(unlike platform 9 3/4,you don’t need to run into something,like it is a relative who you don’t want to see) into a hut. The king was mesmerised,if only this was a movie,he could nominate for the Oscars and the place had some magic about it…

Suddenly he heard someone singing inside,the lyrics seemed familiar,” oh  baby one more time…” and there appeared the sage,dressed in a Tommy tee and a mallu style lungi.

“Oh! myi eet hhhis the graaat king thondi,haaaw is yaaar taaaammy bro? Did toemmy make you ron taa mach? ”

The king was shocked,”You a mellu? ” he asked the sage,he gulped and added,” are you a namboothri? ”

“Ha! No no,that is just a fake accent,I was trying out these lungis and namboothri,is that a Abishiek Bachan movie? And Krishna,Rama ,Govida,they are trying to sermonize me now! Those senas,I am cancelling their thondi membership and launching a mallu magenta lungi  campaign against them.But what is that in your hand? ”

“This? It is the latest tech from mircosoft,they wanted me to count the number of times the thing crashes,their logic being is that if it crashes lesser times than the PC,then they should dump it.” 

“Ha! But you are caring a room heater to Chennai,Corruption to a government,Bail out to the Americans and and oh come trying to teach earthlings to be peaceful! I have all the technology and I have tried that out one too,it sucks,it crashes so many times per hour that I lost count,I mean it was more than the awards,Slumdog has won,oh! do you why the movie became famous? ”

“Why?”

“because they had sambar magic,they are a rare success…” And then the lights dimed and a song burst out and the sage continued,” Oh!thats a ARR special which I had made,anyway…see my hands and listen to me speak by my beard..”

And the king sees the hands,he sees a magical ring..he goes into a trance and he hears the sage speak…

Sambar magic(the tale of thondiraja)-part 3!(spoof)

And the voice on the other end,chirped,”yeeeeyaaa!Thondi raja!You have been selceted to perform in the Thondi Idol!”.The king,went ablaze,he jumped and he danced and started to sing,” Oh,want to have a thondi just  like this? Just eat all you have…oh! want to have a thondi just like this…”,The old man with the beard,gave a “I told you so” smile,whitened,by a secret formula,approved by the shamen and the head priest of thondi.

Ops,if you haven’t read part 2 yet then read it here.

 

The king replied to the voice,”Sure,I am honoured and since I sent away our star singer,Himesh,there is no competition for me,though there is this blogger called Vimal,ha did he qualify?”.

“Yes he did and we would be honoured,if you as the king do the thondi dance,to the song,”thondis don’t lie” “.

Even more delighted,”wow,now I need a partner..,when is it? “.And replied the voice ,all earnest and young ” You have plenty of time,oh!the world record holder for eating the most number of bhadushas(bhadushas are Indian donout,though it should be the other way about.),to put on some weight and get ready for the dance.All the best your highness,TC.”

 

As the call ended,the king turned around and thanked the smiling man with the beard.The man with the beard responded,” This is the secret of  Bush to get elected for the second term,the secret of Paris Hilton,to be so slim and Tony Blair,to lie so much and oh! your highness,this will always keep you fat! You are indeed the pride of thondi! Now I think you should go back,take a pack of Sambar with you.

“I will  also teach you the code to return here,but remember this is not web 2.0,no twitter,no stumble,no orkut,no facebook,just keep it to yourself,keep saying it until,you know it like the moves of your favorite heroine or like a kid who watched DD in the 90s,knows the dialogues of Mahabaratha and Ramayana”.

“OH! my fine old man,I understand.I will not give it to anyway,least of all NTTV and I will keep the travelling charges out of my books ,my accountant doesn’t know accounts anyway,he learned the trade at PWC and gets a hefty salary,anyway he is busy, he is appearing as a market analyst in one of those channels called NTTV Loss.And some how,the KTIAA(Kingdom of Thondi Accountants Association) don’t know what to do with him.I could have him thrown to the lions,but unfortunately,the lions,seem to be influenced by our Health minister,maybe,I should make the Rambodoc,from the wonderful blogging world,as the health minsiter.”

“Oh!king whatever.It is time to go.” The man with the beard, then again placed a stone,measured his steps,compained and hit the Ronaldo style free kick.The stone feel into the Magical Sambar river and they were back.

And as they came out of the forest,a guard came running,” Breaking news oh! king,Sathyam boss,just quit.It seems he had doctored the books.”

 “Ha,you fine young man”,the king patted the man on his shoulder,”it is late news,if you want the full story,start blogging,as it is ,you don’t do any work,except,taking bribes from the beggars,to keep the big guards away.I tell you go,I will give you some money,eat ,get a thondi,don’t cheat and read blogs all day long.Otherwise,I will soon start being the “sources within” for the NEWS channels.”

“Oh!king,I am sorry,no,I do blog,but the feeds arrived a little late.Rather I was watching videos on youtube and forgot all about blogging.”

“Ha ,I am feeling hungry,run along”. The king turned to the minsiter who had arrived.”What happened to the Israel bombings?” 

The minister hesitated and confessed,”My brain was struck!”.

The king laughed out loud and beamed,” LOL,now that is a good minister.What a country,no wonder,we have pertol workers going on a strike etc.If we have such wonderful ministers!Now,you are going to get stuck,I am going to send you to the rehab,no comupters for five months.And remember to shave your hair.Of course we will give you a chalk.”

And so the king walked along,majestic as always.He took out his PDA(again gifted).And grunted,”Ha,this Microsoft,it is always getting hung.I thought they didn’t have capital punishments.”And at that moment,an apple,feel from the sky..