February 25, 2009 § 8 Comments
And like any proper movie dog,it was trained.This was no ordinary slumdog,this was a slumdog,with a English touch,given to the sage by the English man who just fell in love with the aroma of Sambar,the man was also passionate about telling lies,but now was nowhere to be seen.
The gentlest men in this Earth are not those who wear a Armani and eat Thayirsadam(curd rice) made by some mammi,nor are they crickters who grew up dreaming about an actress and a Ferrari.No ad in the world can display the gentleness of men,for the weight of their beard will crush them but the living example was our king.And as he ran,so light he was that everything became as still as a statue at a road corner,showered with crow poop.
And every creature with 6 senses or less,watched the great thodiraja chase the great dog with the English touch.This was the race of the century(a few film critics commented that this running was inspired by Wall-e but the truth is ,well that is a secret,go file a Right to info case to know..) ,the king desperately tried to catch the dog,much like a hero in a tamil cinema chases his twin brother,much like boys chase the girls in school,but the ending was inevitable,you can’t enter everywhere and so the dog reached safe house,in the form of a ladies rest room.
The king felt misreable,so miserable,he almost began to weep,his innerwear almost turned pink but then from nowhere,the rest room changed(unlike platform 9 3/4,you don’t need to run into something,like it is a relative who you don’t want to see) into a hut. The king was mesmerised,if only this was a movie,he could nominate for the Oscars and the place had some magic about it…
Suddenly he heard someone singing inside,the lyrics seemed familiar,” oh baby one more time…” and there appeared the sage,dressed in a Tommy tee and a mallu style lungi.
“Oh! myi eet hhhis the graaat king thondi,haaaw is yaaar taaaammy bro? Did toemmy make you ron taa mach? ”
The king was shocked,”You a mellu? ” he asked the sage,he gulped and added,” are you a namboothri? ”
“Ha! No no,that is just a fake accent,I was trying out these lungis and namboothri,is that a Abishiek Bachan movie? And Krishna,Rama ,Govida,they are trying to sermonize me now! Those senas,I am cancelling their thondi membership and launching a mallu magenta lungi campaign against them.But what is that in your hand? ”
“This? It is the latest tech from mircosoft,they wanted me to count the number of times the thing crashes,their logic being is that if it crashes lesser times than the PC,then they should dump it.”
“Ha! But you are caring a room heater to Chennai,Corruption to a government,Bail out to the Americans and and oh come trying to teach earthlings to be peaceful! I have all the technology and I have tried that out one too,it sucks,it crashes so many times per hour that I lost count,I mean it was more than the awards,Slumdog has won,oh! do you why the movie became famous? ”
“because they had sambar magic,they are a rare success…” And then the lights dimed and a song burst out and the sage continued,” Oh!thats a ARR special which I had made,anyway…see my hands and listen to me speak by my beard..”
And the king sees the hands,he sees a magical ring..he goes into a trance and he hears the sage speak…
December 22, 2008 § 14 Comments
Once upon a time,long long ago,well not so long ago,the kingdom of Thondi was ruled by the great king,the magnanimous,the felicity showering philanthropist Raja Raja Raja Thondiraja.
The reason for the three Rajas preceding his name is the fact that all his forefathers who sat at that crown had the name Thondiraja and he being the fourth ,he had to add his three ancestors name to his.Now it would have been easier to just say Thondiraja the fourth,but being a very superstitious race,they had to consult the temple priest.The priest being a fan of long names,sat down to contemplate the case referred.He knew he the name had to be long,but to call the king anything but thondiraja,would be taken as a kingly sin.So after much thought and endless cups of buttermilk from the royal kitchen,he pretended to consult an almanac and see the distant stars,who at that point,if one had checked could not be seen,thanks to the sun,he came up with the name Raja Raja Raja Thondiraja.
So upon being crowned on an auspicious day(the astrologers dinner ,5 gold coins,the courtesans for him,another 10 gold coins,the arrangements for the function 100 gold coins,the new jewelery and dress designed by Armani 50 gold coins,advertising during Big brother 25 gold coins,Having SRK and a cat in that ad,15 gold coins but the moment was priceless for him, even though he didn’t have a mastercard,he was the master after all) he entered his palace.
The royal musician,Himesh sang his new song, specially composed for the occasion.The new king,couldn’t stand such atrocious music,he knew the old story that,his father wanted to save the subjects from this fellows torture and so had brought him to the court.He felt a need to do something about this fellow.the Raja,thondi raja,sat on the Italian fur mat,checked the time on his swiss watch and pronounced his first verdict-He would send this wonderful singer,as his gift to the queen of England.He had heard she was cost cutting and had sacked her musicians.He told his right hand minister Chidambaram,to write a letter to the honourable lady vindicating his gift.And so the slyly minister took up his pen(which he had flicked from the treasury) and wrote a 6 yard letter,in such colourful words,that the musician in concern,beamed in pride and almost began to sing again.But some how,they managed to get him out before the cacophony(though the word seems small)began again.
Now having lost a musician and knowing that it would take him sometime to import the Germany technology and the American singers,he was left to contemplate how he would pass his time.Glancing again at his time piece(which he didn’t pay for,it was a gift from a Swiss bank,when he deposited his gold) he decided to summon the court dancer.He clapped his hands twice and a guard appeared.He was about to give him the order,when he noticed that the guard looked familiar.And like a forest fire,it came to him,it was Amir! His favorite star!he got up and jumped so much,that the satellites picked up images of another tsunami(you see he was so fat,er..thondi in tamil means stomach).But the actor,bowed down and asked him with a true panache,what his majesty wanted.And so the exuberant king ordered the actor to explain the reason for him to take such a role.
It was for his next film -guard,he explained.He needed to get initiated to the role.Why he was even sleeping when the king was not watching,he added.the king was flattered.He told the actor to summon the dancer and go back to sleep.
When the noble left handed minister heard this,he felt a tinge of sweat trickled down his made up pink of health brow.He got up and informed the king that the dancer had left for the United States.The king requested for the painter,at least that should throw some hue on his dull mood.And at this,sweating even more the minister informed the king,that the painter had been thrown into some oasis in a desert in the middle east,as the people wanted didn’t like him.
So informed,the king was dejected.His first day in office,was getting worse.he knew that the priest had been a bogus.He needed something to make him feel better…and as his highness was becoming grumpier and grumpier,entered the protagonist,the jester of jesters,Darshel.
The bubbly Darshel along with his aide ,Deepika,were the talk of every household.The lady was the hit,she was capable of performing multiple roles so well,that Darshel,could carry on his non stop nonsense,he could refuse all the awards they gave him or appear in TV,while the lady entertained the king when the ads came on the court channel.
In a supposed to be mesmerizing move,the clown,with an ave,shouted,long live the king,long live the queen with three hundred cart wheels(who told that people have to cut costs and no testing?He still made his own things,after all he still was the horse and no fiat can make him see otherwise).The king then realized what he needed,a Queen!
And so as the realization struck his perfectly combed,no gel,only oiled hair,he got up ,as if the 19000 RPM he was planning to import had already hit him and ordered everyone in the court to,find me ops,him a queen.The court felt the power.They all felt the nudge,the magical touch ,this they knew was the secret behind the royal line,this is what kept even the most neo-clear counties at bay.And so feeling the Intra court power,they all set about,as if they were trying to find information about a terrorists from the neighboring country.
The court website team was contacted and told to place an ad for a queen.The minister himself went on air,in CCB and assured the world,that the kingdom needed a queen.Reassured people across the world,googled the kingdom of Thondi,which till then they didn’t know existed and even those who knew thought was in the middle of the pacific.The various blogs had informative posts on the kingdom and then went on to add how much money was being wasted on a queen hunt.
A few speculated that a Sarah would be the right choice.And the minister himself,informed the king about this…
WHAT IS SAMBAR MAGIC? WAIT TO FIND OUT!
Part two tomorrow(if you really really want to read it,if you say no,it will be a no,so vote properly,this is not for a WWE!)