June 29, 2010 § 8 Comments
We are sitting in a cafe over looking the beach. Some slow music is playing in the background, picturesque seascape, still cutlery and antique furniture and yet the atmosphere is losing out- to her fear. And to my fury- which has now found its voice again.
A faceless enemy. Those dark nights, where I sat and swore at the clouds through my window, came back to me. What was I up against, what did I do? That fear and that rage returned, only more mature and wise. They sat in that corner of the heart, one with burning eyes and the other with a rye smile. They had waited, they had been patient and now they had their chance.
Shree keeps quiet. Words lose their meaning among closest of friends. We can feel each other, like we always did. Yet, her eyes- I cannot understand them.
” I can understand”, She broke the silence, reality beckons and the wall clock which hung in some imperial lord’s court, where as the seconds laboured through their crafted revolutions, the king dispersed volatile justice, loved precocious courtesans and threw corrupt gold at the poor.
” What do you understand?” , a hint of the fury.
” Long ago, I thought I had conquered them. But they have returned now.”
She made sense. If only all those fools can see us now, if only.
“I can see them in you.”
She stretches over the table and places a hand on my heart. I hear it beating through her. Friends? My head mocks me.
She smiles. She knows. She understands.
“You are a book. I know what you hold. And yet am compelled to read it.”
The rage wants to rise. I can see that my face is shrinking under the first lashes of the whip.
She withdraws her hand. I am a fool. Tears want to tear my eyes and fill the gap. I close my eyes and hope to hold on.
A couple of minutes have gone by and I ask,
“He disappeared over the mountain. the last I saw of him, was when he stood at the peak. He waved to me. That pure joy, shone on his face.”
“Even a God will be afraid to touch such a spirit. But man does. Oh! The sensation we are!”
We both know. It is foolish to talk about God or man or devil or Humpty-Dumpty or that stupid neighbour. What is the use? You try to give it a face. You try to see something in the vast darkness. You see a silhouette and you fix someone into it. The fury cannot be aimed at the walls, it needs blood and a worthy soul- fear feeds it and makes it grow. What can you hide.
She is feeling weak. Oh! I hate to see her this way!
” And then he went down the other side. We got a note and all it does mock. I burnt it.”
I can understand. In fact more than she thinks I do. How many people have I lost? But maybe this wasn’t merely a metaphorical mountain.
“No, I can’t talk about it. I can’t. I have to hide. Hide like a coward.” Her voice is rising, she seems possessed.
” Coward! Hahahahahaaa!! Me! And I thought, I am beyond it all. You thought I was beyond it all. But no I am not.” Tears, most precious. These are rare, very rare, very very rare- rarer than a metal, rarer than gold, rarer than diamonds, rarer than peace, costlier than seconds.
” And here I sit. In a perfect world, where birds chirp, where the waves crash, blah blah blah and yet the person I love the most, is taken away from me!”
” What did he do? Nothing bad. He had risen above it all!” she seems to have regained some control.
“And yet…” her voice trailed. She sat down.
Guess I have to wait. After all she has done it for me before. Now the fear takes over. What awaits me?