Something about me

January 24, 2010 § 20 Comments

This probably has become a habit now. Sunday afternoon posts. There is something comforting about it(though it doesn’t fetch many comments). Today I am going to write something about me.

ASPIRE, is the word. Now what do I aspire to be? The way I talk , people think I have it all figured out. So here is the truth- I haven’t figured out anything.

True, I am doing CA(about 100 days to go for the exam *sigh), but well I am not really into the idea of working as one.  I am doing it because otherwise I will be wasting my time with B.Com alone. Of course, not that formal education is going to turn me into Bill Gates.

SO what do I want to be? Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut, but that seems pretty far away, especially since I am in the commerce stream(you can make my day, by telling me, how I can still become one). Some how the idea of flying in an almost surreal world, combined with views of swargaloka(though I had figured out,even back then, that it didn’t exist) , comets and planets, captivated my imagination.

I used to be left to my own devices. In a world of “big kids” and  adults, I usually found day dreaming and imagining more fun. Superman and Spiderman, were never my favorites, simple because they had too much to do with humans. I preferred my own characters and turned even the most mundane object into something awesome.

I used to rearrange chairs and make the nether world beneath tables and beds my cool crafts. In short I wanted to be a superhero, but with another dimension- I wanted to be up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.

Some how I have always felt more comfortable, in my own world. People who know the gregarious me , will be surprised. After all, I keep making friends(and ‘enemies’ so to speak) all the time. But behind that there is that love for being in my own world. And probably that is why, I have never feared any God, as such- I saw the idols as “fun people to play with” and used to think of new wars and stories.

And I used to be shy(The change probably came during the summer of 2007 and of course blogging, but more about it later)- I couldn’t stand being blindfolded(those games at kiddy parties) or being too far away from people I knew. There is a gap of six years between me and my sister, so that probably, added my preference for playing alone.

Building blocks were a strong favourite. I probably would have made will make a very good architect. The scope they offer along with their definite proportions is overwhelming. Only wish I had bigger blocks to build now.

We have a swing at home. And I have never fell down from a swing. For others it might be horses and ponies, for me it is swings.I came up with a variety of polo- cycle polo(among myriad others) The opposition- chairs, tables and anything/anyone in my way.

Imagination changes everything. It gives you a lot of freedom, blank walls become carpets of history and thoughts, the sky holds animals  and people.

I was and still am a very cautious person. I never take on anything head first. I see, I analyse and then act. People around me can make fun of me, but I analysed how to walk on walls way before any of my class mates did, I am sure. Walls offer a great way to practise balance.

Walking around the perimeter of my house and imaging all sort of opponents and ways to fight them. I think I have fallen from a wall, only once, that too, when I tried to get down hurriedly, for some unknown reason but then again, that probably is it. I hate making big mistakes and make sure they never happen again(?).

My judgement is mostly right, because as I said, I never get into something without thinking about it. The only place where my prognosis might be wrong, is here, the blogging world. It still hurts to think that my idea failed to materialise.

I am a bad loser. I cannot stand losing. And yet success in competitions, exams and even sports, has eluded me. I set high standards (probably too high, thanks to being the hero in my small little world) and when the bubble broke, I used to feel very very low.

True to my sun sign, I can very emotional, sensitive, while in fact I seem the contrary. And that has given a sort of “emotional photographic memory”. Colours have always fascinated me(my mom will tell you, that she had to teach me “white”, because I refused to accept white to be white, I am very tenacious) and though I am not all that great at drawing, I like to doodle.

Cricket cards and cricket. I remember the vigour with which we used to collect those things. When I grew older, it was replaced with cards, but it was cricket at least till I was 9-10. The only part of cricket I still like is bowling. I like anything which can be made to act under my spell. Batting is no fun, I probably got no where in cricket, because I refused to play forward defence in my coaching class(much much later).

Watching. Trains, autos, sky, construction etc. Sitting quietly and observing things, is second nature to me. And questioning when I don’t understand is first. While now I can articulate and describe it, back then, I think I understood that a lot of effort goes into it and felt that everything could be figured out. The element here is, that things can be moulded and can fit in.

I am already approaching the 1000 words mark, but these are things which I love to recount. Someone questioned me a few years back(on one of my poems), how can someone so young write such stuff. To me and probably to people who have seen me grow up, it has never been a surprise. I enjoy thinking, watching, observing and most of all creating.

From Drop Box

I started to write much later. But writing is a sum of all those things which I used to love doing, which I cannot do now because of various reasons. It is my shell, where I can hide, it is where I am the hero again and where things cement and mould into each other, the way I want.

The paint will stain the walls in the angles I want and the sky is probably not that high. unlike other kids, I never wanted to be a doctor when I saw one, an engineer or a teacher, I wanted to be an astronaut and I believed it was possible and still do.

I learnt history, tales and fables and politics through my grand dad. That probably is the reason, why I never struggled in social science like others- I knew them already and to me, they were plays being performed in my head. India in my head, was a fantastic idea, it was a passion and something which we fought for and got it. It is our home and we belong here.

Yet time has disrupted that view. More than time, it is people. I still have the belief in my dreams. I still believe India can be much more, India can be the best. But it is the people. And that is the element, which though I understand a lot about, I fail to understand one thing- the need to be caught in a box. Or maybe I am.

But one thing is for sure. What I want to be, What I really want to be , What I really really want to be, is , a writer. And I am one. It doesn’t matter if no one reads what I write. I have always been the hero. The skies and the walls and the chairs and my friends are there for me. That is why I say, I write for myself.

It probably is a wall, erected to block the disappointment of not being what I imagined what I write will bring to me, but it has a door. You can knock, I am waiting.

P.S:- The post should tell you one more thing about me- I can be random and let my thinking cleave it’s own path.

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§ 20 Responses to Something about me

  • Pal says:

    Hmmm… you atleast know what you don’t want to do! And its great you know you want to be a writer. But yes, clear your CA first, as even writers need their bread and butter. And, join up Ryze network, you can learn loads from wonderful writers there, and get true feedback on your work.

  • Pal says:

    And I just realised I’m first!! He he.

  • Aarti says:

    hey
    Can so relate to a lot of what you’ve written out here!! i keep remembering Buz Lurhman’s The Sunscreen song… he talks of how there are ppl in their 40s who havent figured out what they want out of life… am sure i’ll be one of them… lost, going with the flow. and wondering all the time where am headed….

    Love both the songs u’ve posted!! 🙂

  • Reema says:

    why dont u start working on a book?

  • well I agree with Pal u atleast know what u dont what to do and thats a great thing to begin with it… 🙂 and I love that pics of urs symbolizes such joy freedom and youth

  • Swaram says:

    Oh yes! U r a writer indeed and it shows here 🙂
    Gud luck Vishu 🙂

    Luv this pic of urs … reminds me of the song Panchi banu udke phiru 🙂

  • leafless says:

    You have the heart of an artist and the brain of a writer.

  • rupali says:

    hey yar.. !!! u r an awesome writer….we all hav feelings bt less ppl r dere in dis world who can express dem clearly in words….gud luck 🙂

  • an.rosh says:

    you are right when you say that there is no such thing as “white”.

  • Manoj says:

    “very emotional and sensitive”….cancerian??? lol

    ” never take on anything head first. I see, I analyse and then act….”……..”My judgement is mostly right…”…….and now..”The way I talk , people think I have it all figured out. So here is the truth- I haven’t figured out anything.” You sure!!? Seems like you have it all figured out!! Whatever carre you choose, CA or Astonaut, you seem to have prudence and the much required acumen. So you are considered as a “figured-it-out big kid” 😀
    I think imagination is the first and foremost quality required for a write, irrespective of what you write! fiction or non-fiction!! Most bloggers seem to have it or atleast try to gain it.

    When your prognosis gets wrong in the blogging world, that is beacuse your “small world” gets exposed to a bigger audience, and the world out here is much bigger and most of all, varied!! While everyone yearns to be perfect, I personally feel that one should not be let down by the big mistakes. You said you hate big mistakes. I feel Love and Hate shoud not be attributed to ‘mistakes’. It is just that mistakes happen because of a reason (not FOR a reason). When you said you fell down from the wall when you “tried to get down hurriedly” and for some “unknown reason”. It is not that you love or hate to fall down. It is about finding the “unknown” reason that made you fall, or why you were “hurried” in the first place.

    While none would like to be a loser, I think one should have the prudence to overcome obstacles that come out of a defeat. Not liking to lose is different from having the ability to come out of a defeat. No aspiration is complete without an acumen to overcome hurdles.

    While living in ones own small world might make one imaginative, it also has the capability to make one live in an unreal world. Blogging, to me, is a ‘war of worlds’. A war between me and the rest of the world! The only war where success and failure does not matter. The only war where failure helps you to conquer (understand) your enemy’s world as well. When you say you make lot of “enemies”, may be that you are failing to see that “enemy’s own small world”!
    Or may be you should believe in “swargaloka” as you “see, analyze and act” before you take a word, and I am sure you haven’t seen it yet! 🙂

    These are all the subtle nuances of life. It is all a game and those people whose sub-set of “own world” intersects more with the universal-set of “world” would emerge being winners! It is never about one’s own world!

    PS: These are just my views! Others might think I am wrong, but I respect their views too! 🙂

  • Manoj says:

    And thanks for the wonderful song…wonderful composition….and ofc, Kajol!!!!!!!! Lemme go to sleep while I chant Kajol to the power of infinity times 😀

  • @pal: ha well..ya bread and butter 😛

    @aarti: ha you are going with the tide..nothing wrong with that 😉

    @reema: sure 🙂

    @monika: thanks 🙂

    @swaram: 😀 😀 😀

  • @leafless: 😉

    @rupali: thanks 😀

    @an.rosh: 😉

    @manoj: we talk about your comment in chat 😀

  • I agree with Pal. I think if you wish to be a writer you could continue your studies and also start on a book… 🙂

    I love that song.

  • Smita says:

    Let me honest at the onset! I don’t really like reading posts which are about somebody but I read this one in one go just because they way it has been written. It was interesting knowing about you 🙂

    And you know what I like the best about this whole post? The fact that you write for yourself. I had seen a fren cribbing nobody reads what I write, I had then asked him whom do u write for? Yourself or others? If its the former then stop cribbing!!

  • @IHM : ha me too hoping that I can do that 😀

    @smita: Ha thanks, glad you enjoyed reading it 😉

  • There is something very different about your description – you can write abut yourself from a third person point of view! And that frankness is very rare!!

    Don’t worry too much about a career. It is more of how much you make out of your job than how much the job makes you!

    Destination Infinity

  • kriti says:

    nice n intrsting.

  • Sarawgi Hk says:

    nothing much just like to study chem., comp, and also like to do research

  • Hala k. says:

    I can see mu self between your lines .. When i start reading this, for some reason i couldnt stop .. Your words are meaningful, what im trying to say, i was never good as a writer, never thought that writing can be that much beautiful. So keep doing what u like and what you r good at 😉 and maybe u can really be an astronaut someday, who knows !?

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