Thinking about my identity

July 23, 2008 § 13 Comments

What is the use? what is the use of this world?

It is always amazing,to know that we the significant micro(maybe even smaller) particles who make up the universe have some purpose and a life to live.Why i live my life,in a regimented way,going to school,supposedly learning things.What will it be like to be in another planet? What will I be,if i were in another planet.Would that planet too have death as we have?What is the big deal anyway of being earthling?

Think of the universe,as it is.I know it is too big to fit into my minuscule three dimensional imagination,but whatever little i can ‘see’,leaves me perplexed ,confused and in a dire need for becoming larger than life itself.Why how can something so big exist in the first place? When i was small,the sun was just ‘nature’ something which i was born into.It was a constant,to the mind which was ready to be tinkered ,it saw what what others thought they saw.The moon Always represented an old lady making ‘idly’.the beach was a place where something called waves lashed on endlessly and if i ventured into it alone,i would be eaten by it.My life was of prime importance to me.Being another heir of the mistake stricken ,unwanted humanity,survival was the instinct.

But as i grew up,i slowly realized,that things are different.In fact education does at least that much to you.You are told that we belong to a solar system and that the moon goes around us.The next time i saw the moon,i lookedΒ Β at it as an entity who was moving around the earth.Now i am digging really deep to feel what i felt then.It is surprising that ‘life’ is so old.What are these memories? So are we a dream,a memory too?

Me writing rather typing,is an memory in more ways than one.Since i am writing i do not care what happens else where around me.Why would i react when i am content,why the moment will always be embedded in me,carved into me,for i am in tune with the reminiscence of the world’s making. Did we go toΒ the heavens because earth never satisfied us? Why when did we realize that we were nothing more that illusive little creatures,who don’t know anything?

On earth everything has the touch of man,as it has of ‘god’.Almost all our fellow creatures,all the flora and fauna which were painted with the magic wand along with us ,have been cut,dissected,bisected,trisected and researched upon. We have arrived at the conclusion that we are the only ones who can think the best.We were after all the once who discovered the existence of God.

Our identity as human beings,has perpetuated from our predecessors.But deep inside all of us know that this is not our absolute identity.When we look at the sky and stare stars and suns ,we feel an old belonging ,the sight of home,after an hiatus to hibernation. Since we are the clever modern super humans in terms of an ever expanding brain and since we know about the big bang and such and such,we run a particle accelerator inside our cramped cavity,reproducing with a eerie contentment,what we feel is the origin of the universe.We revel in it for a few spectacular moments,we run the jocund clowns of happiness in us to such speeds that ecstasy is what we pronounce.We are all happy to be home,we wish to keep seeing our Gods for longer,but the ever severing mind,declares that you have to break the bonds,to live life and produce yourself to sacrifice for the betterment of man.You don’t want it.Who wants to move from home,after a long voyage?Who wants to travel,when travel is all he has done?Who wants to swim,when he has all the while swam?Yet since you are the mind,with a rhetoric puffed up displeasure you try to satisfy your real want with a chronic happiness ,which is at most momentary and small enough to displease the materialistic narcissistic in you and carry on with it.I am trying to write something and all the while i am thinking of the wonderous world,whose width widens my perspective.I am here and i am not.

What is my identity?Am i a lost sibling of a distant star,for whom if i am found,i will look the same as when i landed on Eden? Or have i crossed an Adam’s bridge,to burn all that was bad and mortal? Am i an entity for whom this body was a lease,lent by earth to write off her ever lasting loans?Or am i, simply an animal,a tainted beast,with the curse of thought and want of fantastical fantasies to suit my ill-tempered unbalanced mind?What am i anyway?

Yes,i feel lost.Yes i feel lost here too.Yet i can hear the world,but i can’t see it.I can hear the old song,but my eyes have grown used to this,so that the old song,is a poignant, nostalgic de -javu.i dream up lands,i build my castles.I am a man,a human,who has written tales upon tales with fairies and fun and frolic but i am also the man who writes edifices and breaths the voice of an enigmatic Satan,a suitable tool ,one sprung during my autumn,to sooth the God in me.yet i know,i do not need him,for i was the one who gave god a face,which he can hold high and i was the one who taught him to write,so that he can say what he felt.I lent a being bigger than me,i lent it not one but two identity,i created a juxtapose of the good and the bad,of light and night,of God and Satan,yet i fail at lending myself a single identity.I call myself the third.I am happy to pull the strings of the first too.Yet my fingers move without my knowledge in my sleep,they want home and what they see is that destruction can retrace me,to where i belong.

There is music playing in the background.The song is melodious.It is a classic,it breaths life into the creature,whose identity is his name and his music.Why what caused him to play and create music?Did he realize that if he struck his strings and quietened the world with symphonies ,he might be able to shriek out for his lost sibling?Or did he realize that when he played his music,he could be himself ,free and inheritor of freedom,the absolute transparent being,who could smile away adversity and sleep ugly to beauty? I am listening to his and with gusto summoning my aesthetic consciousness to appreciate his ballades.I try to feel the same joy he felt when his fingers were let lose upon the keys,to key in the codes of his disparity among humanity.But his code was always good,for such is the magic,of the hands who are at home,always,poor pathetic things,they can’t see nor hear,they are slaves whose only wish is to satisfy their master, as they feel that is their duty and destiny.

Movements.The breeze tickles the trees.Those gigantic beings let out giggles.Why among humanity their existence is varied.One day they are paraphrased as the basic need for the survival of humanity’s earth,the next day,they are cut by the very hands,oh! pathetic hands,they are the only ones who want to get us home.

If my hands know my home,then why don’t I?Should i close my eyes,for all eternity,so that the reality has a chance to roll the dice and bring me home to see its son?I wish i could,but i have a mind,who is a ardent appraiser of the rebellious me.I am torn by my hands,physically and by my mind mentally.I ask you both,i think of either home or heaven-hell only when i am felt free,to my peace.They refuse.I shut my eyes.The hands sway the puppets of infinity,they try to hail home closer.The mind eats into me,they ruthlessly try to disrupt the harmony and bleed my namesake into surrender,but they fail ,neither will give up,i am the used,i am the user,i am between myself.I am still wondering about me and my true reality,one thing is for sure,i will lose mortality when i find the reality,let it be soon.Mortality is lost,when sense of reality is found.

May the world be in peace.Home is not far away,the darkest night,is the last of winter,the coldest water is one before the hot.Let the world exist at it should,let every man reach his harbor and let every flight end at home,may the world be in peace,i go to sleep….

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§ 13 Responses to Thinking about my identity

  • Nita says:

    What is our true identity? None of us really knows but we try and find a meaning and purpose in this life and latch on to it and that gives us a purpose. So we think less about why we are here and who we are really.

  • Sameera says:

    Such profound thoughts!Are you really 17? πŸ˜›

    Jokes apart,we all are indeed just tiny creatures scrawling on the surface of this earth,too tiny to be spotted by those aliens who try to find more about our planet,the way we do about theirs.This life is all maya.In the bid for life,we do not see beyond what is visible to the eye.

    Btw,as a child I was told that there is a rabbit on the moon along with a grandma making “dosas”!

  • To me, your thoughts point in the direction of an identify broader and more generous than the sense of self that we start to develop very early in life – and that many people stick with.

    This larger identity can be directly experienced to some degree of constancy and intensity. I think Nita? – hope spelled correctly, have to work with low illum monitor – has a point about purpose. Developing a sense of that contributes to enlarging the experience of self.

  • Manoj says:

    Oh my God! A Paulo Coelho in the making! These are quite complex thoughts and the way you have chosen words to put those thoughts in place is incredible. As far as identity is concerned, well, humanity is our identity. Searching for yourselves in every human being is Godliness. As they ay, treat othes as you treat yourselves. You will realize your identity.

    Oh my God! I can’t believe I wrote all this :D..lol..

  • shiva says:

    Too broad…..

    Just drop the purpose and be as is. why do you want a purpose in life??????????

    Just live it the way it is.

  • sakhi says:

    wow! that was something and probably the longest post by you till now! πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

    frankly i did not read the full post, in between got so confused about my own identity1 πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

    j/k

    LOL

    And are you sure you are just 16?

  • Keshi says:

    ur true identity is LIGHT for sure!

    Keshi.

  • vishesh says:

    @nita: i think it is the need to be attached which causes that…

    @sameera: yes everything is an illusion πŸ™‚ oh well she must be an south Indian i guess πŸ˜‰

    @Paul: We are as wide as the universe aren’t we?

    @manoj: πŸ™‚ ture…but what if you treat yourself badly?

    @shiva: lol,i do try to ,….but we all seek logic don’t we….even beyond that a purpose is needed for a spell to be stronger…

    @sakhi: lol,no i am 17!lol no props u can read it slowly when u have some time πŸ˜‰ and i have written longer posts,lol,see my achieves and you will find really really long poems πŸ™‚

    @keshi: πŸ˜€

  • SanityFound says:

    Vishesh, you have come home, all has led to this and further – you must write more posts like this they will lead you to where you need to be.

    It is beautifully put!

  • pria says:

    In every cycle of our life our identity changes isn’t it. Our identity as a human being relates to another human who may differe from us but not from our features other than color and race. In everything we do, we think it has a purpose coz we are born for something and cannot let go the query of why?
    I donno about my next birth, but I can be a butterfly or anything. But every living thing do have an identity to form groups and create a meaning to the fmaily and society.

    My identity- a person/ a woman born in this world and go along the path where it leads.

  • scietech says:

    “Would that planet too have death as we have?”

    It depends on the planet we come from. If it is another planet like Earth where there is life (in this vast universe, there are bound to be planets that have life in some form), there will be death in some form or the other. If it is a planet where there is no life, it cannot have death either 😐

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