“Things look bright and the future looks great. Happy end of the world.”

December 17, 2012 § 2 Comments

As December 21, 2012, the day the world is supposed to end approaches, hell is getting prepared to welcome humans. “We expect at least a million percent increase,” says a source who is in-charge of attendance. “At present we have 10 gates for issuing id. cards to the inmates when they enter, but come twenty-first we will be opening at least a couple of million more. The photo of the inmate is taken and using an infernal-red tech. which scans the inmate continuously throughout their stay, we track changes in physical appearance. This is much like a Job card only much more simpler.”

“Yes, people do change. And hell inspires changes. The big boss wanted this to reform people, before putting them on the belt.” says a whipper, who to keep his identity secret, wears a horse mask. “The humans relate to it. That makes our job so much easier. It started out as a prank really, but it works awesome. Once we whip them, we send them over to the pre-heat.”

The CTO  and executive Vice-President of hell, Angel McGreedy, says that the challenge was in expanding. “Heaven is expanding as well. And the land prices have gone through the roof. The government had to interfere and acquire the land and give it to us. Landowners have been issued bonds which they can redeem in cash or kind at six months from now. We expect to generate enough cash flow by then, given the number of inmates coming in. The government has also promised us extra subsidiary against sales, especially exports.”

Hell currently has a manufacturing cycle of three months. But a real issue would be the excess of humans coming in. “Look we have no control over the input. At times it is low, at times it is high- the main difference is in storage and maintenance which would increase drastically. But with the end of the world, the demand will also increase many folds. Also, we will be coming out with a new premium product, much more sophisticated, much more to the gods tastes. In fact, even customization is possible. This should increase the revenue as well. We have built special warehouses to house the extra input. “

“The additional plant near Vykunt began operating a year ago. We acquired Softpoke and with their technology, it is now possible to reduce the time to produce these premium products.” During the previous end of the world, or pralaya, hell had major power shortage, leading to only two premium products being available  at the time of recreation. “That was hell. We had to face a lot of legal cases as well. In the end we settled it out of court, with special offers during the next recreation(now).”

“We were small, very small in fact. Our labourers went on strike asking for retirement benefits. Admittedly we didn’t handle it well either. But the power shortage didn’t help. Our kilns couldn’t function properly. It is necessary to keep the inferno at the right temperature. Humans are a delicate and expensive material. It takes skill and craft to make them properly.”

Another major worry that the input will be of a very low standard. Currently, Humans who don’t meet hell’s standards are discarded and sold as scrap. “Yes, that is a major worry. We hope a part of the increase will be met by higher demand for the scrap. In fact, we wouldn’t even call it scrap, we could call it a by-product. The Rats Hell Inc especially wants more humans. Another opportunity we are looking at is soul-merger technology. It is still in its infancy, but it could be worth a shot. It would increase the quality of our products.”

One major change this time around would be that there will be no Rebirth Humans Inc around. The company had to shutdown its factories as the demand for their product fell. But Humans Hell Inc is looking at the possibility of acquiring them. “Yes, that is something we are looking at. That technology would help us a lot. At present our reformation process takes over a month long. But with the rebirth technology it would help us bring down the time to about a couple of days.”

As Earth prepares for impending doom, Humans Hell Inc. looks to out perform all competitors. “We already have a few orders coming in- both from home and abroad. We expect orders to pick up after end of the world. Currently, buyers are cautious, keeping their options open. But we are confident. Things look bright and the future looks great. Happy end of the world.”

 

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